Ownership of Feelings.

There is this thing called feeling. It comes in various forms depends on the individuality and circumstances. In some cases, people don’t have the slightest idea how to handle it despite owning them since they were born. People who have a sense of control on feeling are admirable and desirable, but they sometimes lose it too. Feeling, sometimes, can be unbearable yet can be too little. Flows smoothly like a river yet sometimes feels like a train that will never come. It’s funny how we live our whole life with it, yet we couldn’t handle it much. 

Feeling is valid, but sometimes it gives me anxiety because some people demand it. I have feelings like everybody else does. It makes me feel insecure in the way I couldn’t express them as much as I want to which sometimes they appear as if I had too little. I love listening to people talking about themselves and their backstories. Because at that moment, I saw the other side of them slipping through their eyes in pure honesty and at ease. They built courage through their words, expressions and gestures and I accepted them with open arms, ears, and heart. Therefore, only my silence and little nods filled in between the talks because I was engrossed… maybe also because I have trouble expressing them. Hence, my insecurity. Despite having told that talking to me feel like talking to a wall (and I admit that), I never once tried too hard to be responsive but when one is needed, I will try my best. Why? I love creating a space; being the void to make themselves feel better to confide everything.

I met the best souls; of course, they ask (read: demand) for my stories about anything. Trading feelings for feelings so one could never feel left out. And again, I don’t have much to talk about especially struggles. Maybe because I was never taught to give my shares of worries and struggles to other people. Maybe because it comes with weight, burdening them with some shares of it sounds troublesome. I once told this to someone, maybe I don’t share them because I’m afraid it will become overwhelming because I’m used to ignoring and suppressing them. Maybe one day I don’t have to worry anymore. Maybe one day I will no longer be afraid of showing different side of myself. No longer afraid of showing what I own.

Inspired by: Too Much, Not Enough (2019) by Wong Min Hao

Open Doors to a Heart(s).

Fast forward to 2 years later, I managed to survive the whole 5 semesters of degree life. If there’s something I must admit, it didn’t begin smoothly. To be completely alone in an unknown place of same kind yet so different was suffocating, but I learnt to find my ways there. Most importantly, I became more appreciative of my own company to get through the highs and lows… even the random ones.

As the saying itself, trust the process. As time goes by, I found myself fond of the strangers who then became some of the wonderful souls I’ve met in my life. We bonded over random things that turned our awkward glances and utterances into shared laughter and giggles. Our silences that used to fill the room were then placed with talks of hopes and dreams.

Of course, the cycle repeats itself; a challenge that never stop coming by. I moved from one place to another between those years. I met this one little kind, which honestly caught my interest, and I quivered at how their presence affected me. I won’t say it had affected me in a bad way, but it sure made me uneasy. After a long time of exchanging talks and stories, we found harmony. My feeling did. We kept finding way to each other at some point. We look at each other and realized, “This is what we want,”. Eyes that are into each other. Lips that wouldn’t stop smiling from ear to ear from being in each other’s presence. Fingers that always crawl back to where it belongs, to you and only you. Regardless of the distance, I hope we would find a way to each other through happiness.

Responsibility, Obligatory, and all things that sound heavy.

I’m back in my college residence with some fragment of my soul still left at home. I’m not mentally prepared for the second term, especially when the first one is a mess and I’m not sure how will the remaining two terms will help me in some way. Just a few days ago, or probably yesterday, I slumped at the thought of going back to university. The disseminating thought of incessant assignments and upcoming papers pertaining my unwillingness to go back. . For a moment, I almost forgot that I wanted this from the get-go. I almost forgot why I started this. I thought to myself, nothing comes easy in this life even if I’m in a place where I wanted to be. It’s funny actually to think that no one is forcing me to go there nor stopping me from not going, but I’m still here. In the midst of the negativity, I’m glad I’m still adhere to my principle; there’s a sense of responsibility towards my life decision and I know I have to deal with all the consequences now and then. This feeling will come and go but I hope that I will always stick to what I wanted to do in the first place.

Warm Tea Friday

The clock is ticking close to 4:50 a.m. as I decide to be in this little space that I have long abandoned, and attempting to leave a sign of existence and ignited passion here. To tell the truth, I jumped from a place to another, from paper to pixelated screen in order to find ‘that thing’ again. Funny enough, I didn’t do much moving until recently (which I believe the reason to this heavy, indestructible block).

Moving on. 

I just embarked on a new journey two months ago (high school me won’t believe this but I did). Alhamdulillah, I got the opportunity to pursue something I’ve always wanted to but I know that it’s all up for me to set the perfect progress and ending. To tell the truth, I’m supposed to work on my assignments that are due in few weeks but here I am, sneaking some time to warm this place again – hoping the warmth would be the same or even better than the old, forgotten one.