There is this thing called feeling. It comes in various forms depends on the individuality and circumstances. In some cases, people don’t have the slightest idea how to handle it despite owning them since they were born. People who have a sense of control on feeling are admirable and desirable, but they sometimes lose it too. Feeling, sometimes, can be unbearable yet can be too little. Flows smoothly like a river yet sometimes feels like a train that will never come. It’s funny how we live our whole life with it, yet we couldn’t handle it much.
Feeling is valid, but sometimes it gives me anxiety because some people demand it. I have feelings like everybody else does. It makes me feel insecure in the way I couldn’t express them as much as I want to which sometimes they appear as if I had too little. I love listening to people talking about themselves and their backstories. Because at that moment, I saw the other side of them slipping through their eyes in pure honesty and at ease. They built courage through their words, expressions and gestures and I accepted them with open arms, ears, and heart. Therefore, only my silence and little nods filled in between the talks because I was engrossed… maybe also because I have trouble expressing them. Hence, my insecurity. Despite having told that talking to me feel like talking to a wall (and I admit that), I never once tried too hard to be responsive but when one is needed, I will try my best. Why? I love creating a space; being the void to make themselves feel better to confide everything.
I met the best souls; of course, they ask (read: demand) for my stories about anything. Trading feelings for feelings so one could never feel left out. And again, I don’t have much to talk about especially struggles. Maybe because I was never taught to give my shares of worries and struggles to other people. Maybe because it comes with weight, burdening them with some shares of it sounds troublesome. I once told this to someone, maybe I don’t share them because I’m afraid it will become overwhelming because I’m used to ignoring and suppressing them. Maybe one day I don’t have to worry anymore. Maybe one day I will no longer be afraid of showing different side of myself. No longer afraid of showing what I own.
Inspired by: Too Much, Not Enough (2019) by Wong Min Hao
